When you have been on your travels for a while you will find that sometimes it is nice to stop, relax and watch a movie (or 5).
I was looking through some of the old photos I have saved on my USB, when I stumbled upon a few classic movies. I found some great titles from my youth! The Sandlot Kids, The Mighty Ducks, Clueless, The Goonies, E.T (all the big names). Then it hit me…
Why did I ever stop watching them? Did I lose my sense of imagination, was I getting too old? The answer to both of these questions is NO.
So what actually happened?
Well, to be honest, I didn’t really know why I stopped watching them until I saw an MP3 track from the movie ‘Annie’ AND THEN IT HIT ME…
ANNOYING CHILD ACTORS!
Even when I was 10 years old, these guys bugged the crap out of me. So here it is, my top 10 list of CAD (CHILD ACTOR DOUCHEBAGS).
10. Gary Coleman
This wasn’t a TV show from my time but there were a serious amount re-runs when NTL launched cable TV in the UK. I don’t care what anybody says! This kid wasn’t cute (or funny). In fact, he was one of the most… (sorry, right now I am imagining the sound of his voice and it’s grinding me down).
My “lose the rag” meter is 5/5 on this one.
9. Drake (from Drake & Josh)
Disney Channel’s ‘Drake & Josh’ was a big hit with most of my friends during our childhood. Unfortunately, this c*&t made me never want to watch the channel ever again. I just can’t put my finger on what annoyed me most about this guy. Everything maybe?
8. Curly Sue
My best friend would completely disagree with me on this, but I thought this movie was utter bollox. Curly Sue and her (con-artist) Dad get by, scamming people out of money and playing the “cutsie” card. All I will say is that, in terms of how annoying a child can be, this one takes the biscuit. No wonder her Mum left her. I would have too.
The aptly named SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH from ‘Saved by the Bell’ had a voice like an elderly lady that smoked 50 boxes of cigarettes a day and then drank a bottle of Whisky (neat). F*&king awful.
6. Oliver Twist
QUESTION: Please, Sir. Can I have some more?
ANSWER: How about NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! You idiot! What were you thinking? Asking for more food? Dick move, Oliver. DICK MOVE.
“The sun will come out, tomorrow, bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow…”
Daddy Warbucks will eventually put you in a padded room and leave you there because you are an aggravating wee b^%tard.
4. The kid who “wants to take a poo at Paul’s”
The bathroom at his Mum’s house isn’t good enough, so off he goes, round to his friend’s house to take a big shite, clean his arse on a towel and use some Glade plug-in spray. If you haven’t seen this advert, you can have a look at it here:
3. Simon from Coronation Street
I absolutely cannot stand this character or actor. On Coronation Street, he is a butthole to everyone around him. He is also a butthole off screen (Look up his 2009 Inside Soap Awards acceptance speech and you’ll find out why). ANNOYING. ANNOYING. ANNOYING.
2. Beans from Even Stevens
“Beans” is up at the top of the list for me because he is the perfect combination of a nagging, irksome, creepy little brat. Bad writing perhaps? This was one of the two nails in my Disney Channel coffin.
AND FINALLY, THE MOMENT YOU’VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR! MY NUMBER 1 MOST LOATHED CHILD ACTOR (LOVINGLY REFFERED TO AS C*NTY BOLLOX), IT’S…
1. CHARLIE (F*&KING) BUCKET
Why was the character sad about everything?
You didn’t get a golden ticket after buying one bar of chocolate? Build a bridge and get over it, you wee w&*ker. You are hands down one of the most ungrateful little b^stards on a TV/MOVIE screen. Remember when you eventually won the ticket and got to go to the factory with your Grandpa Joe?
The fact that he jumped up OUT OF BED (after 100 years of being bed-ridden) wasn’t even good enough for you. Instead, you walked around that house with a face like a slapped arse.
Your Mum was so distraught she burst onto the street, singing CHEER UP, CHARLIE!
Cheer up, Charlie? If I was your Mum I would have given you a clip round the ear and told you to wise up!
And if I were Willy Wonka, I would have removed myself and Grandpa Joe from that glass elevator and catapulted it into a f*&king black hole, being happy in knowing that you had a fairly decent time on earth and that you’d be better off floating into oblivion.